Randoms – Page 5 – Cannibalism Might Be Tasty

RANDOMS: 1132022 – Things that shouldn’t be but are.

Things that shouldn’t be legal probably and probably isn’t, but who gives a fuck anyway:

Massive Candy Crush Ad to be flashed over NYC via drones today.

Okay, well not really but the target IS NYC.

Considering Candy Crush is an Activision/Blizzard property, is anyone actually surprised by the things they do anymore? Bad PR is still PR, which I think is just the name of the game of the world these days. As you’ve heard me mention, the fastest way to get ahead these days is to be the biggest asshole that you can be.

I mean this is exactly what I think everyone wanted when they woke up this morning “Gee, how can the advertising be more intrusive into my life?” And the powers that be decided “I KNOW!! LET’S MAKE A NIGHTTIME DRONE SHOW THAT YOU CAN’T AVOID SEEING IF YOU GO OUTSIDE TONIGHT.”

I mean, really people?

I really want to create a lobby or something that will actually do something about privacy and invasiveness but as we all know, corporations have their hands deep in the pockets of government. It all just seems so positively… depressing.

Speaking of assholes:

People seem to still notice when you aren’t one. In regards to my post yesterday, I had a conversation last night that finally made me feel good. I have someone trying to look out for me and is trying to play a long game to help me out. Honestly, if they accomplish it, I’ll be shocked, but more so, I really want to give them a hug for even giving a fuck enough and seeing how poorly I am being treated. In that vein, they let me in on something yesterday that finally made me feel a little bit better in general. They let some on their team know what was going on and why I seemed to have “disappeared”. The most vocal on their team apparently said “Why would they take away the one person who cares about our team and tried to help us?” Apparently there was some agreement with that in the conversation from other members. Let me tell you something:

When I heard this, I sat silently on my couch for a moment, and I shed a tear (not that is a big deal, I shed a lot of them these days). My co-worker then asked me if I was okay since I was silent and I just said “That’s the nicest thing I have heard in a very long time. The fact that some people see what is going on and the fact that they know I cared and I tried to help them. The fact I was actually seen.“

He told him “Thank you for telling me. I needed to hear that right about now.”

There are still some good people around but they are so far and few between.

More on assholes:

Crash and Burn, baby.

Meanwhile, not gonna lie… I’m enjoying the things that certain people are doing to make Twitter crash and burn. I mostly see all the wrong moves being made. Threats of firing, return to office, monetizing shit for the wrong reasons. Killing off the thing very things that made Twitter special to begin with… not that it was in a good place anyway. It’s always been hard to monetize Twitter… but not really. The things to do it were always there but for some reason, they didn’t want to implement it (subscription to be able to edit, auto-delete, create special tweet groups, etc… I could come up with a bunch and so could you and so have others but for some reason, these things were never implemented.) Maybe I should see if there is a source for me to see how fast people are leaving the platform… I mean I am sure there is a source but make time in my day to find it? LOL (probably not, I have enough to do)

And now finally:

Nobody reads this or follows me anymore and that probably a good thing. Maybe it gives me more freedom or maybe as I alluded to before, I really don’t give a shit anymore. Thinking about starting the Podcast back up. I know at one time, someone wanted to hear more personal stuff from me (you nosy bastard!) and maybe that’s a good place for me to start talking about how my mother died. Things haven’t been easy since she died but whereas I didn’t think any more drama could be introduced into my life, it was. I mean we’re talking about hidden half-siblings, Chicago in the 60’s/70’s and *gasp*:

Am I really a bastard?

Ah yes… I’m having a great time these days. I couldn’t make up my life if I tried, I really couldn’t.

In addition, debating on doing a newsletter about my travels or something. I think I have the internet on the ship if I pay for- very expensive. I think I might be able to type out a newsletter but any video or photos aren’t going to happen. I’ll have to find out. Even though nobody read this, I may do it anyway so when I am dead… people still won’t read it or care.

Well, look at that… I’ve posted what? Two, or three times this week already? Maybe I’m starting to come out of my… whatever. More on my headspace soon. Probably the next post.

Being treated badly.

A few years ago, I made the decision to stop posting about work on social media… mostly because work was kinda okay and I didn’t feel the need to vent.

Today, that changes…

I am being treated pretty badly at my current job. Pretty sure my current manager is trying to make me quit. I mean she’s treating me like “mean girls”. I should laugh because it’s so obvious what is going on and why but unfortunately because I am a contractor, I have nobody to go to- no HR and my contracting company won’t help me because they care more about keeping the account. So instead I am being uninvited to meetings, being told I can’t speak to my co-workers, and am being shunned at work. Mind you- I’ve been there for 1.5 years and the team I have been working with likes me but they aren’t my direct management so if they like me or not, they can’t help me.

It’s getting really hard for me, especially since my mother died and I have nobody anymore. Which is probably why this woman (my boss) is twisting the screws. I just want to do my job like I used to but because she wants me gone so badly, she’d done everything she can to try to get me to quit since she cannot get me for cause- my work is always on time, always good, and I’m always available if you need me. She keeps taking my meetings away from me, has other people doing my job and is doing everything she can to keep me out of the loop on my own projects so that I look like I am doing nothing and know nothing. Its heartbreaking to be honest that someone can be so fucking petty.

I hate petty.

In the meantime, I’m trying very hard to get my company out there again and try to get some sort of contracts and work. I don’t know why this time will be any different than the last 100 times. But what can I do? I want to be treated fairly and paid my worth. That seems impossible unless you own the company.

So yeah, I am trying to put several irons in the fire right now to try to get me some income since I think either this month or next month, she’ll finally get her way and I’ll be out of a job.

“But Tek, why aren’t you looking for another job now?”

Two reasons:

One: Just at the end of the year, there won’t be any hiring really until December… it should pick up in January however. I’m starting to talk to headhunters and will actually have lunch with one next week (which is going to be hard for me as I’m still grieving and just don’t want to be bothered with anyone, frankly). I’m trying to start building those relationships again even though I hate this shit but it’s how the world works.

Two: I’m still going to Antarctica. I don’t want to do that either because it just doesn’t seem interesting to me anymore. I even less want to be on a boat with a bunch of people I don’t know with no personal space at the end of the earth for two weeks. But I paid so much for it and I know my mom would be angry with me if I don’t go just because she’s dead now and I’m feeling so lonely.

God, I miss my mom so much. She was the only person who was truly on my side, in my corner. She couldn’t help me but she loved me more than anything. Everyone else in this world abandoned me because I just I suck that much.

I miss my mom.

Things are so hard right now and having this (rhyme with “punt”) doing everything she can to make my life hell right now doesn’t help. I’m really worried about how I am going to support myself if I lose my job. This world keeps getting worse and worse, and I have no tribe, no people so if I don’t have enough to support myself, I will be fucked. I keep forgetting that I will have a (very) small settlement coming to me from the accident I believe but that won’t be until March at the soonest. Probably will be no more than a 3K if that.

So yeah. I am excited about some work I am doing for my friend’s real estate business to get him more organized and hopefully close more deals but I’m not getting paid for that (yet- if he takes off then I will get a kickback. Fuck I hope he takes off- it would alleviate some of my stress to know that I had at least a grand coming to me every month for minimal effort because I configured a CRM and added in automation). I have a few other ideas as well, but just need to get the energy/time/money to move on them. I would really LOVE to walk out of 2023 having pulled in 250K somehow after coming from behind and with nothing.

Pipe dreams.

But I have to try because I have nobody to take care me…

God, I would kill for a real hug from someone who actually cares about me.

Pipe dreams.

Mama, I miss you so much. If you are a ghost, please go haunt that… “punt”.

( I know you hated me cursing).

Going through some things…

Deep, catastrophic (are they really?) things. Pretty soon, I will be able to let lose all the secrets. It’s comforting but I would far rather need to keep them I see now.

Time is short, cruel, and inevitable.

I’m sitting here and I’m wondering if I am damned or if I have been blessed. Is it possible to be both at the same time? It is so fucking complicated… I just feel despair, loss, yes grief and I want to drown in my sorrow, my anger, and apathy. But I also know that’s not what my mother would want for me. And deep down the me that was would fight to the end wouldn’t want that either. I think the hardest thing to discern for me at the moment is “what do I want?” It’s so much easier to say what I don’t want.

I do know the first thing, the most important thing that I really want, no need right now is a shelter, a silence, a pause from everything I don’t want, don’t like, don’t need. I need quiet in my soul, quiet in my mind, quiet in my career. I want that quiet but know that it’s a fine line between quiet and spiraling down deep into a place that is getting increasingly harder to leave. But I feel like in order to find joy and hope again, I need to fully shut down. I can produce, I can put my soul out there but it has to be on my terms. I am truly alone now. I couldn’t talk to my family due to the fact that my father is an alcoholic con man who would rub Trump’s nuts if he asked him to. My mother was going from crazy religion to next… and she had lost some logic years ago when she had a fall. But these stories are coming… they just about can be told, but not quite yet.

I am a sad, sad, woman and I hate that. And I feel like I just can’t catch a break.

Who will give me a hug now? My father will not. He’s too “stoic” (that’s what he calls being dysfunctional- stoic) to do so. I’m stoic too, but in the real sense- stoic doesn’t mean that you don’t demonstrate emotion or compassion. People get this shit so twisted.

The nurse at the hospice said that she was fangirling me because she’s never seen anyone handle this whole thing with the strength and grace that I have. The fact I have to manage the death of my mother and the utter breakdown of my father, all the time having no one to catch me.

No one to catch me. My mom tried to catch me… at least she tried.

And so I keep falling… and I wonder if maybe I just plain have given up on saving myself. I don’t know if I am tired of trying or just giving up.

In moments, I look at the sky while laying in my bed and I think of nothing besides I need to go. I think I need to wander Asia again for a bit. I think I want to spend a winter in a remote cabin in Alaska. I just want to be alone- but I am already alone. It’s a different kind of loneliness when you are traveling. But I just feel like my soul has been dying for years and I know what it needs to heal and I just can’t get there.

Anyway, I’m going through some things. Maybe life is just a series of going through some things. I’ll let you know if I ever get through all the things.

It’s not all my fault- it’s not even mostly my fault.

I am not 100% sure when it happened however I started to blame myself for everything. I figured since I was the common denominator, then everything stems from me. Now that may be true for most things, but that doesn’t make it true for everything. This is a bad path I have in my head now and I figure that if shit isn’t working out then it must be me. I think mostly because I don’t like people who don’t take responsibility for their own mistakes. However, I do take responsibility for my mistakes… I take way too much responsibility for everything. This has has the result of massively doing my head in due to all of the bad things going on around me:

And let me tell you- it’s bad, really, really, bad, no exaggeration. I’m just not letting “you” in on all of it. It’s one of those things that is bigger than I am and I don’t know how to solve it unless I get a massive influx of cash. The way to do it these days quickly seems to have something happen to you and you go viral but I sure as hell can tell you that hard work and perseverance does not work for most of us. I used to be in that camp that believed that… “Bootstraps!” “Hard work!” and all that crap. But that still doesn’t mean that you will “make it”. We’re sold a story that just isn’t true as children. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try or work hard or have goals- not at all. It’s just that it really does take a combo of hard work, knowing the right people, and the right people bringing you in. It just is how it is.

My head is never in a good place these days because I cannot get a reprieve or release from the major problem that dogs me. I don’t sleep well. I don’t eat well. My brain is constantly, even at a subconscious level, trying to figure out a way out of my cage, my trap, my misery, my hell. Even when I say I quit, I don’t quit.

Which kind of brings me to another point for a moment:

Changing goals isn’t quitting. Knowing that you need to take a break isn’t quitting. I have said for the past 3-4 years that I need a full year off. If I could get a full year off from all the issues that surround me, be in a place where I could be 100% me, have the chance to heal mentally and physically, I know I could possibly get a second win and figure a way out of my issue. But I just can’t get it and now it looks like it never will happen. I’m pretty sure I am going to stroke out due to stress soon- truthfully, so long as it takes me out 100% and I am dead, it really would be blessed relief because living like this is hell, hell, hell… I don’t know how much more I can take, to be honest.

But this isn’t my fault… and maybe that helps a little bit. I just need to start really believing that instead of giving myself lip service.

If only in my life I had people who cared about me in the way that I cared for others, perhaps I wouldn’t have ended up here. I am a huge disappointment to myself and to others and that’s hard to live with.

The rules have changed.

*Snarling wolf who has had enough of your fucking shit*

Keeping things compartmentalized is the best way for me. Bet you are surprised to see me posting here. It was inevitable actually. I tried to make how I’m supposed to operate work for me and it has not. I’ve tried to fit into this new normal but I do not. So let’s do it this way- the personal stuff resides here. The travel/fun stuff is elsewhere. That way, I can still keep what makes me, me (which has been repressed and distressed for years now).

Aging is a bitch and a half, let me tell you, especially if you are a woman like me. Add into it the way my home country (and the world) seems to be heading, and I’ve been feeling kinda helpless and powerless… but part of that is again because I’ve been trying to fit into this fucking bullshit role that the world wants me to have to be “successful” and… I haven’t been successful, I’ve been miserable. Now mind you, success is subjective. On one hand, if being high up the latter in corporate America is success, then yes, I am an abject utter and total failure- and as much as I dig on myself and want to live the narrative that since it always goes wrong, it must be me (and yes, it is ME), that’s not the whole story, not when you really dig into everything – which nobody has the time, flash judgments, yo. I’ve got the skills to be in that role, both professionally and personally (no, really, hear me out), but what I don’t have is the ability to play that so important political game. If that’s part of being “up there” then deep down, I’m fucking PROUD to be a failure- because I still didn’t sell out, even when I was selling out. You feel me? So my failure is a success in a way? Ha!

But let’s do a reality check about the above… no matter what anyone says, money is the key and my life has been ruled by the lack of it, the insecurity, the constant financial drama due to me not being very educated on that until the past few years (yes, I’m smart and I’m brilliant but I can’t be amazing at everything and unfortunately, until recently, understanding money and finances and all that crap was my weakest point. It’s now one of my strengths but too little too late, you know.) So the struggles above had to keep happening and are yet still happening, to the detriment of my health but the benefit of me not ending up homeless… yet. It’s still looking very bleak but I dunno… whatever.

On the other hand, if you judge success as being constant self-improvement, self-growth, challenges, and experiences, then, my dear friends, I have been killing it, absolutely killing it. Unfortunately, to do that does require money as well so it’s basically Ouroboros. I am getting old but I am still pushing my limits as best as I can, though my health really has taken a nosedive (see paragraph number two).

But, the rules have changed. Life is changing and it’s time for me to change with it. Let me explain:

I’ve spent 40+ years acquiring things and trying to go somewhere that I just cannot be. I’ve been repressing the things that I love in order to try to survive… and I’m barely surviving, I’m definitely not thriving. I’ve been so, so sad because due to being a woman who becomes less relevant every day (and no, I don’t agree with it, it’s not right, and I keep screaming into the void but even the void is now ignoring me) and I’m really scared about my future since I have no support system what so ever. I’m sick of being ignored. I’m angry, I’m stressed, I’m sad, I’m depressed, I’m frustrated.

And then I remember that poem by Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
From The Poems of Dylan Thomas, published by New Directions. Copyright © 1952, 1953 Dylan Thomas. Copyright © 1937, 1945, 1955, 1962, 1966, 1967 the Trustees for the Copyrights of Dylan Thomas. Copyright © 1938, 1939, 1943, 1946, 1971 New Directions Publishing Corp. Used with permission.

And I realize “The rules must change”.

And so here were are… and I’m comfortable and at peace finally with what I must do. I don’t know if it will work, but like FUCK I am going to let this world take me out. After 40+ years of collecting, now is the time to start shedding.

I’m going through a massive overhaul of my possessions right now. If it isn’t something I really love or cannot be replaced, it’s getting tossed or sold. All the toys that I once thought were important have been gathering dust on my shelves. I bought them to have them, but I’m in a place now where I know those things really don’t bring me joy or help me in any way. I have tons of books that I read once but have no desire to read again and clothing that isn’t me anymore or even appropriate. Fuck, I would LOVE to relive my Tekwh0re years knowing what I know now but I can’t. Nobody wants to see my 46-year-old ass in a see-through dress. Unless it’s a vintage book, vintage piece of art, or I really, really love something, it’s getting tossed or sold. I’m being ruthless in my purging. Even my Wonder Woman collection is going. On top of that, I am only allowing myself to spend money on four categories:

Travel-related things or travel
Scuba Equipment
Computers or Electronics
Gaming
Part of the above- things I need to really start vlogging or telling stories.

No more sneakers, no more boots. No clothing unless I really need it*. No more plants, kitchen gadgets, furniture, or books (unless I want it for my kindle but no more physical media). I’m not going out to eat. I’m not ordering take-out. If I can fix something myself, I will. The name of the game is purge, purge, purge…

… so I can fit everything into a shipping container. I need to fit everything into a shipping container.

I have a goal and a plan and it’s crazy as fuck but I’m raging against you, and you and you. And I’m done being corporate, 100%. I probably only have 40 years left of my life if I am lucky. I’m not spending it anymore for what is asked or expected of me. I’m planning my great escape. I’m going out with a big fucking bang.