Category: Uncategorized

Saturday

I have no idea why my top visitors are from China and India… Well I do, they’re looking to practice hacking on WordPress sites but then realize this site isn’t worth hacking!

So this is the second day and another post. I have a lot to say but I am not exactly comfortable yet. I will forever miss the days of Tekwh0re when I had more freedom… I had a lot and didn’t know it. But now, I need to work with what I have and try to rebuild it if I can.

Today, I probably won’t get to the gym. I still have a lot of projects at home I’m trying to knock out before Monday- I don’t know, maybe I think some great thing is going to happen on Monday and I will be flooded with job prospects or clients. From my thoughts to god(dess) ears. But something has to break for I’m going to be homeless come April. I need something to happen before April or I’m going to have bad stuff happen before April. Right now, I can sort of hold on until February (Yeah, I know, that’s not long at all), and that’s when severe breakdowns start to happen. They’re already happening, and I haven’t been talking about it, but that’s when I start to lose services. Right now, because I have one client, I am able to keep my home internet up and the servers, and I paid my cell phone in advance for the year when I got laid off. Anything that I could pay in advance, I did, right then, to insulate things I would need even if I lost my apartment. It was mentioned to me to sell my car but my car is where I will live if it comes to that. I don’t have anyone I can stay with- everyone is dead. I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have any friends. I literally have no safety net so I don’t want to sell the car because the car, as cramped as it is, I could sleep in so I am not sleeping outside and have some safety.

It just occurred to me that maybe I should do a “dry run” “camping” trip of sleeping in my car this month for a night. I should try it just so I really understand what I’m working with. If I do end up homeless and sleeping in my car, I am not sure where I will go in the car. By the time we get to that point, it will be warm enough in Chicago to stay in my car but eventually it will be too cold again. I don’t even know where it might be safe to sleep in my car to be honest. If I am seen, the cops will be called, or people might break in, etc.. etc… etc…

How fucked up is this situation? It NEVER was supposed to come to this and not to me. I have a fucking master’s degree in computer science. But I have twat and my mama was black so according to the oligarchs, I’m stupid and need to be replaced by a worker from India. We’ve been replaced by workers from India for the past 15 years! This isn’t new, it’s just out there now because they’re CHEAP not because they are better!

But as I said yesterday, getting upset won’t change the situation. It’s just hard because I don’t have anyone to talk to which I think is why it’s good I have this website because even though I can’t have it hug me, maybe it’s somewhere to try to get my frustrations out.

Today I need to get a laptop ready to send out to Mexico for my customer as well as finish setting up a NAS for them and shipping that out. Then I need to record a video for my newsletter for the company. Then, maybe I will finally be brave enough to start working on my YouTube channel.

I just feel like even though I have a lot to offer, everyone hates me. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt love- and I don’t mean romantic love- I mean loved for being who I am and wanted. I can’t remember the last time I felt wanted.*

*Besides when my cat is screaming at me to feed her.

Getting upset about shit won’t make shit better

Long time no talk. I keep saying that I am going to get better about this and I swear this time I will. This year I will. My voice is needed, even if it only by me. Which basically, is the truth since I have zero support network in all truthfulness. Everyone is dead and I have like two real friends who don’t live anywhere near me and honestly, I really need some emotional support (along with financial).

I’ve been trying to figure this all out. A lot of me not saying anything has to do with corporate America. I’ve always been worried about being “found out”. But not being found out hasn’t been working well for me, has it? I haven’t had a steady job for over two years now. That’s more the way the market is, regardless of the numbers and stories that they tell you on the news. I have no income, no insurance, no prospects. Nowhere to go if I lose my home.

I have nobody and nothing.

This goes back to the first paragraph: What do I really have to lose? I’m 49 and most would say that yes, I have been living my authentic self and my authentic life and I do so more than most, but also not really? There is always a part of me that I keep controlled, and to myself because I don’t have a safety net so I am afraid of being “found out” so I lose my income. And here we are in this circle- I have lost my income and I wasn’t being “me – me” so again-

How’s that working out for you, toots?

Yeah, thought so.

So here I am, going to try to do something different but the same. I’m going to do my best to start writing my blogs again. I am going to try to start up my YouTube channels and I am going to work on my businesses because I sure as hell don’t see me landing another IT job in 2025 with everything going on. I’m also going to try to restart the podcast (I say this every year). It’s my lack of support that makes me quit doing things. You need a little bit of support, you know- even a badass bitch like me. And I assure you, I’m still a fucking badass… I wouldn’t have gotten this far with everything going on if I wasn’t. But I don’t feel like a badass because I haven’t had a win in a very long time.

I’m still trying to figure out how to put this all together with the various websites and stuff. I loosely do have an idea however. If anyone is still reading this, I will ask you to subscribe to a few youtube channels. It would help me out in the long run.

My other websites will have stuff too but I am thinking of keeping those more general and not so much the darker personal shit on there. You can find that here. 😉 If anyone is still reading.

You also can find me on BlueSky.

Here is to 2025 and against all odds, I figure out a way to beat it.

I’m not going to only be the hero I need, but the hero you need as well.

I did go on a tangent here. I lost my health insurance in December. I have a problem right now but because I don’t have insurance, I can’t get help and that’s upsetting to me… but getting upset isn’t going to help the situation and right now, that’s what I really can’t afford anymore: Getting upset.

You can’t save everyone or everything.

Maybe that’s the lesson… or at least one of them. You can’t save everyone or everything. No one can and if they say they can-

They’re lying.

I think maybe that’s what I was trying to do even though I said I wasn’t. Or maybe, closer to truth, I used to try to save everyone, everything, then I said I stopped but I still was trying to. Like I tried the save my dad from going to the morgue. Like I tried to save the things in my parent apartment from being thrown out. Like I tried to save the sick plants that my parents left.

I can’t save everyone/everything. I have to choose..

Every day is a revelation to my psyche and emotions. I’m still sad and raw and angry and disappointed. I’ve move on from my parents a little bit. There I’m just really sad because I’ll never get a birthday gift or card again. Which brings me to point two:

Only three people reached out to me since everything happened, happened. Now there were people I was expecting to who didn’t. Again, I really don’t have any close friends. What is really hurtful though is that its so clear to me that I am more people’s friends than they are mine and people I really want to be friends with don’t like me like I do. They just want to be aquantences and that’s honestly their right. It’s hurtful to know that the vast majority of people really don’t care for me but I can’t make them care. If the only time they’re paying attention to me is because they think I will be a repeat customer of theirs or they might get to see my vagina (this doesn’t happen anymore but it used to), then they’re not a friend. I know this. I knew this. I just didn’t realise how many people there were in my life like that however.

I’ve always been trying to be part of community. I wanted to be part of the BJJ community, I thought I was. I was an outsider there. People didn’t really like me or respect me there. They liked that I would help them all the time but they didn’t like me. Same thing for scuba diving. I kept trying to find friends and thought I had some but the people I thought were my friends aren’t. They’ve only been around because they think they can make more money off me or because they felt sorry for me. That really sucks because I love BJJ and I love diving- both are things that require other people. Both have been miserable when other people are involved. I’m doing my best to figure out how to do that thing that you’re not supposed to do which is dive alone. I do it in the quarry here but that place sucks ass. I want to go cave diving alone (don’t start with me about this, really). If I don’t come back, nobody cares and I don’t care. It’s a horrible death to be sure, but nobody is going to be harmed by my death but me so let me do it. Don’t save me. I don’t want to be saved. This life isn’t worth prolonging.

I don’t want to get sick and die. I don’t want to have pain or fear as I die. But I don’t mind dying. I’m not trying to prolong my life. If I get cancer, give me the morphine and maybe I’ll Thelma and Louise it but it will just be me. I want to enjoy myself on my way out but I don’t want to prolong this life because this life has been shit.

Now, mind you- I’ve done some really incredible things, really fucking incredible (nobody cares). I’ve seen some cool things, really fucking cool but the “good” part of my life- not sure when that was. I had good moments, but did I have a good life? I guess that relative. I never felt loved, secure or cared for. I never had a person who was ride or die for me or went to war for me. I’ve always been an outsider or alone. I’ve NEVER been accepted for who and what I was but was always expected to conform.

Let me tell you something, being a strong willed, intelligent, resourceful woman who wasn’t drop dead gorgeous and never was good with money sucks. And no, me not being good with money wasn’t 100% my fault, not by a long shot. I wasn’t taught well at all in that department and when I finally learned, it was far, far too late. Still, having financial security wouldn’t have made my life happier- besides maybe buying friends for longer and pretending that I mattered to some people.

I don’t matter to anyone. And I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and crying and yadda, yadda, yadda. It really is what it is. Suck it up buttercup. We heard this story before. Let’s listen to another one.

So here it is:

I 100% have divorced myself from Social Media… I mean I do read some things that I find interesting or inspirational but people I’ve given up on. That’s not to say that I won’t return to social media but it’s going to be just to make money from people. It’s going to be a one way street. Matter of fact, maybe that’s what I should do… hire a social media manager.

That would require income first and that’s my second biggest issue behind “my wittel feelings”.