I am trying to pack up for a trip that I wanted to be packed up for completely tonight with the apartment totally clean but Rackspace decided to throw up which threw me off since I had to help the few customers I have migrated so I am behind on stuff I needed to do by two days. I hate this because I said I was going to stop packing at the last moment- I always mean to not do it, then something ALWAYS gets in the way that I must address. Oh well.
At least tonight, the gi will be packed and ready for when I return. Hoping to be able to start out with lifting/swimming 3x a week and then doing BJJ 2x a week until I see if I can handle any of this again.
I have 3 months (really 3.5 but whatever) to figure everything out and try to get back to MY base.
Wish me luck.
-Customers (more than anything I need these).
-Freedom to live by my rules.
For the next two weeks, I am on a detox from everything, when I return, then, the work starts in earnest.
Twitter is a shit show so who knows how long it will be around. I will be around long after everything else burns down because as we know:
GOD HATES ME.
So I lost my job before Thanksgiving. I’m fucked, fux0red, screwy-screwed. So the only thing there is to do is to hustle hard- at nothing.
Now let me be clear: I feel like I have gotten nothing done. This isn’t true. I actually have gotten A LOT done. Truthfully, though I am taking a huge financial hit and am terrified at what is going to happen to me in 2023, I realize now, I actually need the rest of this time to get ready for my trip to Antarctica and not for the reasons why you’d think:
This trip is actually very different than any other trip I’ve taken before- I will have access to NOTHING for the two weeks I am on the boat. I can email but it will cost a lot. There is no web surfing, Instagram, etc… none of that. This isn’t a bad thing, to be honest, but I do reference things a lot, look up things a lot, etc… so what I have been doing is making an offline library for myself so I have access to things like operational manuals for equipment I am bringing with me, first aid, etc. I also had to spend money I didn’t want to on a Garmin InReach because I don’t trust anyone… I don’t even trust YOUR satellite communication. If something goes wrong, I need to know that I have control over my situation the best I can. There will be more details on this in another post. That’s why you should bookmark the websites I listed above. I have plans…
This goes back to me feeling like I’ve gotten nothing done, I’m slacking, I’m being lazy, etc… because in my brain I am so trained that if I am not even doing anything at a corporate job, any time I spend on personal things is not of value. This isn’t true. There are a lot of personal things that needed to get done that have been slacking that I am starting to make a dent into. I am using this time between jobs to get everything fixed, updated, and automated so I can start trying to feel like myself again. There is a lot that I need to get on top of. EMPIRE & ACES has sat for years “I’ll get to it”. It’s Complicated might come back “when I get to it”. My personal websites have sat musty and dusty. Perhaps I am a dinosaur- I’m not going to go to Tik Tok to get attention by doing something to a song because I need attention that much but I have something to offer still… .maybe. I dunno.
I also need to realize that it’s okay to sit on the couch and do nothing. LOL. I worked all day even though it doesn’t seem like it. Working on stuff for yourself to make things easier, in the long run, is still work. I’m updating a bunch of old systems right now which.. takes time and needs to be babysat… these are things I have needed to do for a long ass time. Hell, I am actually going to make this stupid website look a bit better even if it is my behind the scene (well not really) bitch zone.
In other news, I’m thinking of going back to BJJ even though it makes me angry and depressed. This is probably a really, really, really bad idea. I just want to train and have no drama. I really miss the workout. I feel in part this is me still chasing when I loved BJJ and Muay Thai. I learned that you cannot recreate moments in time that were joyful because anything you do after will not be exactly the same experience you remember. It just can’t be- you have to find new joys. I am going to try to work on that but it is so. fucking. hard. right now.
Anyway, a Patreon IS coming soon where I will have stuff that I am gatekeeping from the masses. Actually, that is coming in the New Year.
I have a lot of shit I need to get done before Jan 1st. Fuck me.
So I am getting a little excited about the thing that I am working on. Sometimes you have to take a step back to appreciate what you’ve done. Mind you, I’m sure someone could do way better than I could but for what I could do, it’s looking pretty slick. Not a new design or anything like that, but how I am going about this is pretty cool (I think). Once I unleash it, I will absolutely welcome constructive criticism. I think I will focus on this and get it mostly buttoned up then return to getting Might Be Tasty (Tekwh0re) fixed up a bit as it is a sister site. Then I will go back to Empire and Aces though my ideas there are a little dry at the moment. I know that Might Be Tasty and this other site MUST be done/updated before Jan 1st.
I think I will be out of my job by Jan 1st and have more time then but it’s a combo of Antarctica prep and then sort of putting feelers out for new projects/work at the same time. Right now I am also trying to sort out exactly how much communication I have on the boat. I have a Zoleo but I see now it’s not going to do what I want it to do. I really wanted to leave a breadcrumb every day on the website map so you could see where the boat is but it won’t do that except with friends and… family… both of which, sadly, I do not have. I can send basic messages from the expedition boat for a cost so in theory, I could post to my blogs while on the trip, but they would have zero pictures or videos while I am in the Southern Ocean/Antarctica. This is why I am debating on doing a newsletter while I am gone- I believe I can get that typed up and out (still without pictures) and sent out via the Sat link on the boat. By the end of this week, I will have that figured out this is my goal. Today, I am just organizing my notes in OneNote… though I am thinking also about moving to another organization app. I always bring a tablet in a rugged case when I go diving to transfer my dive logs too as well as to take and keep notes. It occurred to me this morning that I needed to really organize and document all this Antarctica shit because I absolutely will not have access to the cloud and will need this locally on my tablet and laptops so I am trying to set that up so that if I have a question about something, BOOM- there it is in OneNote in a local copy.
Next week is my birthday/Thanksgiving. Its going to be really sad. Thinking about it right now is making me cry, actually. I think I am going to make myself some birthday cupcakes and make Mongolian beef for my birthday/thanksgiving dinner. Also, work on new t-shirt designs and get my Patreon finalized for making active. Shit- just remembered that I am going diving at a pool on Black Friday… that will kill one day of work towards the websites and shit. Oh well.
I swear to you, that Might Be Taty will be active again… as I said, this blog is for more personal stuff… and political and more of controversial stuff. I am thinking that anything that is really spicy I’ll move to Patreon. I need the money, I need to worry about how to monetize, and talking about cock and using the word “fuck” randomly isn’t conducive to making money. I WILL get this all worked out by the end of the year so that all I need to worry about starting Jan is producing content and looking for work. But between now and then will be tough.
Not dead… just still going through my things… Mostly really busy.
Work is… absolute shit and I will leave it at that. Well, not really. since my mom died and well (this will be news to you) I disowned/was disowned by my father (not sure if I will tell this story yet or if it will come out when I am ready to talk in detail about the death of my mother. As disrespectful of me as he has been, my kind heart sorta wants him to kick off before I say anything. On the other hand, while my mom was dying in her house, he was angry with me and my dying mother who couldn’t talk and decided to say to both of us “Guess I’ll go back to my room and listen to Fox News then” and proceeded to go to his room and blast Hannity. Look nobody wants to listen to that shit while they are dying. He also tried to tell me how great Kanye and Candice Owen are and how racism isn’t really real. Oh, and he also called _ME_ a racist… so yeah.. fuck him… this is only the tip of the iceberg with that man)…
What was I saying? Oh yeah, so since my mom died and I have no father, I am 100% on my own now- it’s terribly sad, and now I realize somewhat freeing. I am so sick of what I have been doing for going on 47 years of my life now (hey, my birthday is on the 23rd. Wanna get me something? No? That’s okay, my mom is the only one who has ever gotten me something over the last years and now she is dead so I won’t be getting shit on my birthday anymore.) I don’t want to do what I do anymore. I mean I do, but I don’t. In the new year, it’s looking 99% sure I will be without a job, if not sooner. I’m still going to Antarctica hell or high water… and I am trying to work on a bunch of little businesses. If anyone still gives an ounce, I will definitely need a lot of help coming in the new year. There will be a lot more posting going on.. I’l clue you into what websites you might want to watch. I think keeping my life compartmentalized works best for me, even if I am starting to finally shed my corporate side more and more.
There will be a patron. There will be a GoFundMe. I ain’t too proud to beg anymore. I want to have the last half of my life be happier and better than the first part. I absolutely am not in a position to do that right now… So much stuff in the background wiped me out financially last year… And without going into details, I had been saving and saving and saving so I could do what I am about to do with now NO money. But I got wiped out… because of my shitty fucking luck.
Actually, don’t. My ass is raw enough as it is and I don’t like it.
Believe it or not, I’m starting to try to fight back again. She’s in there, somewhere, still… and she’s trying to fight back but man, it’s a real uphill battle. I spend moments where I end up crying still because I miss my mom. I have moments when I just look out the window and realize that I really am truly just… alone. More than I ever have been.
I miss my mom. You’re gonna get sick of me saying this, but I do. She and I had a lot of issues in the end but she was my mom. She loved me more than anything. I’m sure she still does wherever she is. I love her too.
Grief is a strange thing.
Anyway, a brief update. I have a lot to do today. Everything right now is focused on getting me where I need to be when I leave for Antarctica in Feb of 2023. You’re gonna wanna keep your eyes on me. Watch out for my Instagram. Watch out here… all my websites are going to start popping again in the New Year… and if you like my travel stories, those will start next year (fingers crossed).
(Hey, if you don’t ask, you never even get a shot to see if the world is open.)
No, I am fucking serious… I am a broken (am I really?) mess who is trying her best to put herself back together and finish off this life strong. Help? I need help. C’mon… I know I am old and ugly now but I still deserve a fan club. I’m still one of the most amazing women you will ever know/observe. No hyperbole, just facts.
Considering Candy Crush is an Activision/Blizzard property, is anyone actually surprised by the things they do anymore? Bad PR is still PR, which I think is just the name of the game of the world these days. As you’ve heard me mention, the fastest way to get ahead these days is to be the biggest asshole that you can be.
I mean this is exactly what I think everyone wanted when they woke up this morning “Gee, how can the advertising be more intrusive into my life?” And the powers that be decided “I KNOW!! LET’S MAKE A NIGHTTIME DRONE SHOW THAT YOU CAN’T AVOID SEEING IF YOU GO OUTSIDE TONIGHT.”
I mean, really people?
I really want to create a lobby or something that will actually do something about privacy and invasiveness but as we all know, corporations have their hands deep in the pockets of government. It all just seems so positively… depressing.
Speaking of assholes:
People seem to still notice when you aren’t one. In regards to my post yesterday, I had a conversation last night that finally made me feel good. I have someone trying to look out for me and is trying to play a long game to help me out. Honestly, if they accomplish it, I’ll be shocked, but more so, I really want to give them a hug for even giving a fuck enough and seeing how poorly I am being treated. In that vein, they let me in on something yesterday that finally made me feel a little bit better in general. They let some on their team know what was going on and why I seemed to have “disappeared”. The most vocal on their team apparently said “Why would they take away the one person who cares about our team and tried to help us?” Apparently there was some agreement with that in the conversation from other members. Let me tell you something:
When I heard this, I sat silently on my couch for a moment, and I shed a tear (not that is a big deal, I shed a lot of them these days). My co-worker then asked me if I was okay since I was silent and I just said “That’s the nicest thing I have heard in a very long time. The fact that some people see what is going on and the fact that they know I cared and I tried to help them. The fact I was actually seen.“
He told him “Thank you for telling me. I needed to hear that right about now.”
There are still some good people around but they are so far and few between.
More on assholes:
Meanwhile, not gonna lie… I’m enjoying the things that certain people are doing to make Twitter crash and burn. I mostly see all the wrong moves being made. Threats of firing, return to office, monetizing shit for the wrong reasons. Killing off the thing very things that made Twitter special to begin with… not that it was in a good place anyway. It’s always been hard to monetize Twitter… but not really. The things to do it were always there but for some reason, they didn’t want to implement it (subscription to be able to edit, auto-delete, create special tweet groups, etc… I could come up with a bunch and so could you and so have others but for some reason, these things were never implemented.) Maybe I should see if there is a source for me to see how fast people are leaving the platform… I mean I am sure there is a source but make time in my day to find it? LOL (probably not, I have enough to do)
And now finally:
Nobody reads this or follows me anymore and that probably a good thing. Maybe it gives me more freedom or maybe as I alluded to before, I really don’t give a shit anymore. Thinking about starting the Podcast back up. I know at one time, someone wanted to hear more personal stuff from me (you nosy bastard!) and maybe that’s a good place for me to start talking about how my mother died. Things haven’t been easy since she died but whereas I didn’t think any more drama could be introduced into my life, it was. I mean we’re talking about hidden half-siblings, Chicago in the 60’s/70’s and *gasp*:
Am I really a bastard?
Ah yes… I’m having a great time these days. I couldn’t make up my life if I tried, I really couldn’t.
In addition, debating on doing a newsletter about my travels or something. I think I have the internet on the ship if I pay for- very expensive. I think I might be able to type out a newsletter but any video or photos aren’t going to happen. I’ll have to find out. Even though nobody read this, I may do it anyway so when I am dead… people still won’t read it or care.
Well, look at that… I’ve posted what? Two, or three times this week already? Maybe I’m starting to come out of my… whatever. More on my headspace soon. Probably the next post.