I am not 100% sure when it happened however I started to blame myself for everything. I figured since I was the common denominator, then everything stems from me. Now that may be true for most things, but that doesn’t make it true for everything. This is a bad path I have in my head now and I figure that if shit isn’t working out then it must be me. I think mostly because I don’t like people who don’t take responsibility for their own mistakes. However, I do take responsibility for my mistakes… I take way too much responsibility for everything. This has has the result of massively doing my head in due to all of the bad things going on around me:
And let me tell you- it’s bad, really, really, bad, no exaggeration. I’m just not letting “you” in on all of it. It’s one of those things that is bigger than I am and I don’t know how to solve it unless I get a massive influx of cash. The way to do it these days quickly seems to have something happen to you and you go viral but I sure as hell can tell you that hard work and perseverance does not work for most of us. I used to be in that camp that believed that… “Bootstraps!” “Hard work!” and all that crap. But that still doesn’t mean that you will “make it”. We’re sold a story that just isn’t true as children. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try or work hard or have goals- not at all. It’s just that it really does take a combo of hard work, knowing the right people, and the right people bringing you in. It just is how it is.
My head is never in a good place these days because I cannot get a reprieve or release from the major problem that dogs me. I don’t sleep well. I don’t eat well. My brain is constantly, even at a subconscious level, trying to figure out a way out of my cage, my trap, my misery, my hell. Even when I say I quit, I don’t quit.
Which kind of brings me to another point for a moment:
Changing goals isn’t quitting. Knowing that you need to take a break isn’t quitting. I have said for the past 3-4 years that I need a full year off. If I could get a full year off from all the issues that surround me, be in a place where I could be 100% me, have the chance to heal mentally and physically, I know I could possibly get a second win and figure a way out of my issue. But I just can’t get it and now it looks like it never will happen. I’m pretty sure I am going to stroke out due to stress soon- truthfully, so long as it takes me out 100% and I am dead, it really would be blessed relief because living like this is hell, hell, hell… I don’t know how much more I can take, to be honest.
But this isn’t my fault… and maybe that helps a little bit. I just need to start really believing that instead of giving myself lip service.
If only in my life I had people who cared about me in the way that I cared for others, perhaps I wouldn’t have ended up here. I am a huge disappointment to myself and to others and that’s hard to live with.