Category: Uncategorized

Doing my best

I had a screening interview on Friday for a job that I really wanted that didn’t go well. I doubt I will move to the next round. I’m bummed for so many reasons:

  • I really wanted the job
  • I am on food stamps now
  • I have ZERO income
  • I don’t know how I am going to pay rent or my car payment.

I want to get upset but maybe I’ve finally “crossed over”. My stress level is bad but I dunno, I don’t feel like hiding in my bed and going “Oh woe is me”. There are a few things I DO know, as I said, over the last year, I found out who my real friends are… I have more than I thought but some who I thought were my friends are not. I do think about this Mike Tyson quote from time to time which is interesting. I feel bad for liking him in his old age.

Anyway… It’s almost a year that my mom has been dead (Sept 16th- buried Sept 22nd). I’m much better than I was however I still get random moments where I just cry. This morning was one of them.

Because I am on food stamps, I really have to be careful what I spend it on. I do have food that I put away during the pandemic.. some of it past it’s ‘best by” date, but I don’t think it will kill me. I am trying my hand at making sandwich bread from scratch today as the breadmaker is good, but I still am not getting that texture that I want. I have time (duh) so I decided to take a stab at it today. As I said, I was really good about putting some food away during the pandemic/start of the Ukrane war because I knew food prices were going to go up. I stocked up flour. I was out of bread flour in my pantry but I knew I has some in my deep freezer. I go to get it and burst into tears. My mother when she was at my house when I was out of town had taken my bread flour and vacuum sealed it. I didn’t do that.. I have black bags for that and I never got around to do it. She had clear ones. I didn’t want to open up the bread flour but I needed it so I did and that just started the waterworks this morning. She loved me so much. So much. I took that for granted and I am so sorry for that.

I have drinks that she bought me that I didn’t want in my fridge still. I can’t bear to throw them out.

***

Addendum… I never posted this… The day I was going to do this, I found my father’s body and my world, which was already upside down was now inside out.

More later, I suppose… and I thought I was going to get the food stamps but now I’ve heard nothing about it.

RANDOMS: 11252022

First off, you need to know where to find me, if you still want to find me:

Twitter is a shit show so who knows how long it will be around. I will be around long after everything else burns down because as we know:

GOD HATES ME.

Anyway.

So I lost my job before Thanksgiving. I’m fucked, fux0red, screwy-screwed. So the only thing there is to do is to hustle hard- at nothing.

Now let me be clear: I feel like I have gotten nothing done. This isn’t true. I actually have gotten A LOT done. Truthfully, though I am taking a huge financial hit and am terrified at what is going to happen to me in 2023, I realize now, I actually need the rest of this time to get ready for my trip to Antarctica and not for the reasons why you’d think:

This trip is actually very different than any other trip I’ve taken before- I will have access to NOTHING for the two weeks I am on the boat. I can email but it will cost a lot. There is no web surfing, Instagram, etc… none of that. This isn’t a bad thing, to be honest, but I do reference things a lot, look up things a lot, etc… so what I have been doing is making an offline library for myself so I have access to things like operational manuals for equipment I am bringing with me, first aid, etc. I also had to spend money I didn’t want to on a Garmin InReach because I don’t trust anyone… I don’t even trust YOUR satellite communication. If something goes wrong, I need to know that I have control over my situation the best I can. There will be more details on this in another post. That’s why you should bookmark the websites I listed above. I have plans…

This goes back to me feeling like I’ve gotten nothing done, I’m slacking, I’m being lazy, etc… because in my brain I am so trained that if I am not even doing anything at a corporate job, any time I spend on personal things is not of value. This isn’t true. There are a lot of personal things that needed to get done that have been slacking that I am starting to make a dent into. I am using this time between jobs to get everything fixed, updated, and automated so I can start trying to feel like myself again. There is a lot that I need to get on top of. EMPIRE & ACES has sat for years “I’ll get to it”. It’s Complicated might come back “when I get to it”. My personal websites have sat musty and dusty. Perhaps I am a dinosaur- I’m not going to go to Tik Tok to get attention by doing something to a song because I need attention that much but I have something to offer still… .maybe. I dunno.

I also need to realize that it’s okay to sit on the couch and do nothing. LOL. I worked all day even though it doesn’t seem like it. Working on stuff for yourself to make things easier, in the long run, is still work. I’m updating a bunch of old systems right now which.. takes time and needs to be babysat… these are things I have needed to do for a long ass time. Hell, I am actually going to make this stupid website look a bit better even if it is my behind the scene (well not really) bitch zone.

In other news, I’m thinking of going back to BJJ even though it makes me angry and depressed. This is probably a really, really, really bad idea. I just want to train and have no drama. I really miss the workout. I feel in part this is me still chasing when I loved BJJ and Muay Thai. I learned that you cannot recreate moments in time that were joyful because anything you do after will not be exactly the same experience you remember. It just can’t be- you have to find new joys. I am going to try to work on that but it is so. fucking. hard. right now.

Anyway, a Patreon IS coming soon where I will have stuff that I am gatekeeping from the masses. Actually, that is coming in the New Year.

I have a lot of shit I need to get done before Jan 1st. Fuck me.

I think here is where “Tek” finally died.

I don’t feel like “Tek”, “MsTek”, or “Tekwh0re” anymore.

I feel like “The Empress of Ashes” really fits me now. I swear I am not trying to be all emo or goth.

But I do feel that now I rule over ashes, ashes, ashes… ashes of my dreams, ashes of what could of have been and ashes of what was.

Ashes… Just ashes is all I see and all I stand upon.

A ruler over everything that was burned to do the ground be it by my hand or others.

Ashes.

I think here is where I finally died.