Author: MsTek

I REALLY want a sailboat.

I’ve thought about this for YEARS.

And usually when I think about something for years… it manifests.

Now, I want a boat that I can refurbish and make modern- replace all the lighting with LED, update the interiors, and make the boat “smart” because I’m really good at tech.

I’m also really handy- I enjoy making things.

Getting a boat really isn’t that hard- a lot of people give them away because they’re a pain in the ass. The problem comes with storing the boat and the fees to get the boat out of the water to work on the hull… That stuff I don’t know how to do… hull work. I can do interior wiring and if I have directions, I can do plumbing, etc… I have never been trained in carpentry but I know I could do it if you show me how to do something once (I dunno, I’m good at stuff like that).

I want to single-hand the boat- (because as you know, I am a loner with no friends or lovers) but I don’t want a tiny boat because just like in the apartments I live in (which if I don’t find a job soon, I’m gonna be literally homeless- one of the benefits of having zero family or relatives), I need a place to sleep but I need a place in the boat to set up as a workstation- I am talking about the big monitor and gaming PC, etc. Some people use the navigation table as a workstation but it’s not quite big enough for my needs. I could give up one side of the boat to set this up since I wouldn’t need berths on both sides- I wouldn’t take on crew as I don’t trust strangers at all. So the boat would probably have to be 34 but no bigger than 40 because 40 is pretty big to single hand- it can be done but that’s something to work up to.

I also want it just for a project to work on. I love designing things and making them modern and beautiful. I like the satisfaction of working with my hands and seeing the things I create.

It has occurred to me to start with something small as well. If we didn’t have to winter store boats in Chicago, I’d probably have looked into that years ago.

Which brings me to Chicago…

My father is dying. He probably will be gone in a month or so. We’ve never been close, he’s not been terribly nice to me. Loves me but doesn’t like who I am. Total Trumper… long story. Anyway, after my mother died, its understandable that he would kick it within the year. I have even less reason to stay in Chicago.. HOWEVER-

If I take a look at the bigger picture of what is going on in the US and I can’t make it work to move outside of the US, from a safety standpoint, both personal and environmental, Chicago is one of the safest places I can be in the US. It would be better for me to move somewhere along the oceanic coast due to my personal interests but 1. I can’t afford it, 2. Those states that I can afford are not safe for single, biracial women with the current way the USA is heading. Taking in factors of climate change, ease of personal movement, having a multicultural environment (Chicago is segregated but still, I don’t have to worry about a confederate flag or someone popping off racial shit in the middle of a Starbucks because some drag queen at the very least will pop them in the mouth as they deserve).

Chicago is boring for me because I don’t have kids or a family. NYC has a much more interesting vibe for someone my age who is single and not dying or “getting old” in spirit. Chicago just isn’t the place from that perspective for people like me. But I don’t have NYC money, and I am starting to see age discrimination when it comes to finding a job and I really don’t want to live in a roach and bedbug studio apartment.

I LOVE my apartment and location in Chicago. I am less than 35 mins from a major international airport. The neighborhood is quiet. My apartment is vintage and just the right size (though I would like an additional bedroom for a REAL office and turn my sunroom actually into a sunroom/reading area). I like some of my neighbors at the moment. The neighborhood sucks in that there aren’t a bunch of cute little restaurants or shops to walk to but it ticks all the right boxes in other ways. I just don’t want to move. Even if I moved out of the country, if I were to still keep a presence here in the US, I’d want to keep my apartment because I really like my apartment. I’ve been here for almost 20 years.

If I could have what I wanted though:

Vintage apartment/house/loft… it doesn’t matter, just so long as it isn’t a modern, boxy, boring space. Enclosed garage with room for car, motorcycle, and storage. Near water, I could actually go diving in and see stuff. Access to fast internet. Walking distance to good grocery stores with fresh food that isn’t full of chemicals like in the US. LESS THAN 45 MINS FROM A MAJOR AIRPORT. Nice neighbors that wouldn’t mind watching my cat/dog when I need to go on one of my adventures. The ability to work from home or have clients come to a home office. Also, privacy so as I get older and my tits hang lower to my ankles, I can still be naked in my backyard/courtyard, whatever, and tend to my tomato and hot pepper plants and flowers which I like to do…

I think I want a lot but I don’t really. I don’t want a fancy car or yacht. I don’t want a mansion. I don’t want expensive clothes or stuff like that. I just want quiet and peace. My “things” are diving, technology, travel, and fitness (no really- if my joints weren’t so bad, I’d be lifting every day and doing martial arts again.. I actually am going to try lifting a little bit again starting next week though my wrist sadly is acting up again.) I spend money on scuba, travel, and technology- that’s it. I cook a little bit but not to the point that I need fancy stuff… I have all the fancy stuff already that I would ever want in my kitchen.

In general, besides the fact that I want a boat, a rebreather (yes, I don’t care if you don’t approve- I want one), my motorcycle repaired from the accident (yeah, that’s still a thing.. the lawsuit was only NOW filed.. I doubt I’ll ever see a dime from that) and the technical (computing ) equipment upgrades that just come from wear and tear, I realized that I don’t “want” anything. I am really happy with the things I currently have… which is kind of interesting to me. The only things I want besides what I listed above is maybe a few good friends that I can trust, my health, and time… just more time. And I want to do work that is meaningful and appreciated… and I want to work for myself. I don’t mind corporate America so long as it’s on contract and I am not an _EMPLOYEE_ because that’s when you get caught in that nasty rat race that I never was good at and honestly, never should have been a part of. I’m good at the WORK but not at politics.

My biggest failings are that I never suffered fools, I never could be phony, and deep down, I have great compassion and empathy. I care. A lot. Too much. I love. A lot. Too much. I give. A lot. Too much. That’s hurt me more than I could ever express. If I don’t think you are nice to people, are a liar, are arrogant, or like to gaslight, diminish or be disrespectful to people, I absolutely cannot hide my opinion of you. I can’t pretend to like you. I will keep my mouth shut because I really want to put you in your place and I have a vicious mouth if I let fly, but _I_NEVER_LET_FLY because I know.. I know me.. so I just keep silent but you can read what I think on my face, in my eyes… I’ve never been able to hide it- which is also why I rarely lie because you can tell if I am lying.

I know this seems rambling but with my father dying, me worried about finding a job, and really reassessing what is important to me as my life starts to go on the downside of life, these things all are related, factor, and are important. The challenge is that unless you have connections (which I don’t), or money (which I don’t) it’s really hard to get where you want to be. Lord knows I have fought so hard all my life for my various businesses to take off, doing what I was supposed to do in corporate America, the advanced degrees (I have a Master’s degree in computer science… most people don’t know this). I put myself out there, I did the extra training, the extra classes… but you know what “Pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” doesn’t work for everyone and the truth is that it doesn’t even work for most people. So if you were able to do it, good for you! But that doesn’t mean that the person next to you who is struggling hasn’t tried to do what you have done, or is lazy or whatever. That’s a false narrative of America and honestly, even I didn’t figure that out until I was like 40!!! I used to believe that too.

Anyway, yeah… I want to go out and spend my last years on earth peacefully and with little stress. I watched how my mother died. I am seeing how my father is dying. I see how my life is and I don’t want to go out like that. I want to die in my own home, with no stress, not worried about being evicted or how I am going to eat or if I can go see a doctor. I want peace on my way out because honestly, all I’ve known my whole life is a moment here or there of bliss and joy, but mostly just struggling, struggling, struggling. Yeah, I travel and yeah, I have some nice things, but in the background, you don’t even know a quarter of what is going on orrrr what I did to make those things happen. If I didn’t do these things, I’d have jumped off a bridge by now… That’s no lie. It’s those moments that keep me from just saying “fuck it, I’m out., jump!”

Except I can swim. Really well.

“God” has fucked up sense of humor. Constantly throws shit at me to kill me, yet has made me in a way unkillable.

But what fun is being a wet rat all the time, ya know?

And this is just a pent-up vent.

Good day!

I need to remember to post here more often. I just keep throwing my feelings out into the ether, I don’t know… hoping that maybe some cruel god might actually listen for once. That someone will hear me, truly hear me. Maybe the reason why I haven’t posted as much on here no matter how much I say I am going to is because I find that I sent emails to my mother even though she can’t read them anymore.

Truly, I am pathetic. I just don’t know what to do because there is only so much I can keep inside me. My heart is sand- no, dust because it has been broken so many times. There is no going back… I never will feel good again, this I know.

It’s Father’s Day. It’s hard for other reasons. And yet how much I feel that I have no more to give because I haven’t had an infusion of love or affection* for as long as I can remember at this point, even when I am being actively beaten down again when I am being asked to carry the weight that isn’t mine to bear, I STILL, like a FOOL, turn around and do something that I think is the right thing to do, the nice thing to do because I still have enough heart to have empathy, even to towards someone who hasn’t been exactly kind to me… because I cannot bear to watch other people’s pain. I never could.

Again, truly I am pathetic.

And the pain I hold inside every fucking day… every fucking day. People have no idea how much pain I am in… every day.

When I was in Indonesia, a young French guy that I made friends with reached over and gave me a kiss on the forehead because I had said something he thought was nice. It wasn’t a romantic kiss. It was just a bit of affection because he thought I was being nice in something I was saying. I drank that kiss in like I hadn’t had a drop of water in forever because the truth is that I hadn’t. I relished in that moment of just unabashed affection towards me JUST because of who I am.

It is so utterly pathetic.

I had someone who actually wanted to spend time with me and hang out when I was in Indonesia as well. I think they actually liked me as a person and chose to be around me and it wasn’t 100% because they were bored. I enjoyed her company and listening to her hopes and dreams and successes. I admit that I felt a twinge of sadness because of my utter failure in life. I had wanted to do so much. I had wanted to succeed.. I was SUPPOSED to succeed. But I failed and have been hated and disliked and maligned and no this isn’t in my head, I’m not exaggerating. That’s another thing I said I would stop doing- thinking that maybe I was over-exaggerating or it second-guessing myself. After my mom died, I said I would stop doing that because I WASN’T wrong in any of the things I felt. I never have been. My biggest mistake in life was thinking that if you were a good person, an honest person, it will ultimately work out. It will go okay.

Pathetic, right?

I have so much to do. I am yet again on my back foot in life. I’m keeping it mostly to myself- I don’t have anyone anymore to talk to and I honestly never did. My friends can only take so much because they don’t understand having no close friends or family so they’re “Oh for fuck sake, go away with your sad sap self.” So I have tied to close my inner thoughts off even more. I cry in my bed. I cry. I cry. When I am actively traveling, I don’t cry so much but when I am here, I cannot control the tears. After my mother died, something in me that had the strength to stop tears before they start broke. Now, if something makes me sad, and it’s not always about me or my tribulations, even if I read or witness something sad, the tears roll… in the car, on the plane, walking down the street. I wear sunglasses often and carry tissues because I just don’t know when I might start weeping. I cry for me. I cry for you. I cry for the puppy that is crying over there because I think I just am so sick of the pain in this world. I understand it. I feel it. I wish I could do something to make it stop.

I have been incredibly lonely lately… not in the way that people may think… I just wish I had one person, one person who was emotionally invested in ME and wished me well because they cared. Not a lover or partner… just somebody.

I did tell someone recently what the last 8 months have been like under the travel and magical things it seems like I have been doing. They said they never would have known. I am incredibly strong. And I answer “What else am I going to be? I keep asking my mom to come get me but that seems to be falling on deaf ears so what else do I do?

I have so much to do right now to try to survive. I just had this interaction just down that brought up all the things that always are right under the surface and I don’t feel like emailing my mom and I don’t have a number to call someone who gets me and cares about me. So I turned to the place that once used to give me so much pleasure and hope and potential.

I’m sorry that I failed everyone, including myself.