I need to remember to post here more often. I just keep throwing my feelings out into the ether, I don’t know… hoping that maybe some cruel god might actually listen for once. That someone will hear me, truly hear me. Maybe the reason why I haven’t posted as much on here no matter how much I say I am going to is because I find that I sent emails to my mother even though she can’t read them anymore.
Truly, I am pathetic. I just don’t know what to do because there is only so much I can keep inside me. My heart is sand- no, dust because it has been broken so many times. There is no going back… I never will feel good again, this I know.
It’s Father’s Day. It’s hard for other reasons. And yet how much I feel that I have no more to give because I haven’t had an infusion of love or affection* for as long as I can remember at this point, even when I am being actively beaten down again when I am being asked to carry the weight that isn’t mine to bear, I STILL, like a FOOL, turn around and do something that I think is the right thing to do, the nice thing to do because I still have enough heart to have empathy, even to towards someone who hasn’t been exactly kind to me… because I cannot bear to watch other people’s pain. I never could.
Again, truly I am pathetic.
And the pain I hold inside every fucking day… every fucking day. People have no idea how much pain I am in… every day.
When I was in Indonesia, a young French guy that I made friends with reached over and gave me a kiss on the forehead because I had said something he thought was nice. It wasn’t a romantic kiss. It was just a bit of affection because he thought I was being nice in something I was saying. I drank that kiss in like I hadn’t had a drop of water in forever because the truth is that I hadn’t. I relished in that moment of just unabashed affection towards me JUST because of who I am.
It is so utterly pathetic.
I had someone who actually wanted to spend time with me and hang out when I was in Indonesia as well. I think they actually liked me as a person and chose to be around me and it wasn’t 100% because they were bored. I enjoyed her company and listening to her hopes and dreams and successes. I admit that I felt a twinge of sadness because of my utter failure in life. I had wanted to do so much. I had wanted to succeed.. I was SUPPOSED to succeed. But I failed and have been hated and disliked and maligned and no this isn’t in my head, I’m not exaggerating. That’s another thing I said I would stop doing- thinking that maybe I was over-exaggerating or it second-guessing myself. After my mom died, I said I would stop doing that because I WASN’T wrong in any of the things I felt. I never have been. My biggest mistake in life was thinking that if you were a good person, an honest person, it will ultimately work out. It will go okay.
Pathetic, right?
I have so much to do. I am yet again on my back foot in life. I’m keeping it mostly to myself- I don’t have anyone anymore to talk to and I honestly never did. My friends can only take so much because they don’t understand having no close friends or family so they’re “Oh for fuck sake, go away with your sad sap self.” So I have tied to close my inner thoughts off even more. I cry in my bed. I cry. I cry. When I am actively traveling, I don’t cry so much but when I am here, I cannot control the tears. After my mother died, something in me that had the strength to stop tears before they start broke. Now, if something makes me sad, and it’s not always about me or my tribulations, even if I read or witness something sad, the tears roll… in the car, on the plane, walking down the street. I wear sunglasses often and carry tissues because I just don’t know when I might start weeping. I cry for me. I cry for you. I cry for the puppy that is crying over there because I think I just am so sick of the pain in this world. I understand it. I feel it. I wish I could do something to make it stop.
I have been incredibly lonely lately… not in the way that people may think… I just wish I had one person, one person who was emotionally invested in ME and wished me well because they cared. Not a lover or partner… just somebody.
I did tell someone recently what the last 8 months have been like under the travel and magical things it seems like I have been doing. They said they never would have known. I am incredibly strong. And I answer “What else am I going to be? I keep asking my mom to come get me but that seems to be falling on deaf ears so what else do I do?
I have so much to do right now to try to survive. I just had this interaction just down that brought up all the things that always are right under the surface and I don’t feel like emailing my mom and I don’t have a number to call someone who gets me and cares about me. So I turned to the place that once used to give me so much pleasure and hope and potential.
I’m sorry that I failed everyone, including myself.