War and Peace: Or a note from the Commander-General.

At some point I realized I enjoyed the war far more than the peace because the war gave me something to do.  It wasn’t so much a sense of purpose but rather that its where I excelled and what I was made for.  Peace is for lovers and I am anything but lovable.  I’m passionate and detached at the same time.  I don’t understand fake words and fake sentiments because that’s not what comes from me.  So times of peace are always hard because it more shows the vast differences between how I see the world and how the world sees me.

I told someone I cared about once that I was made the way I am because you need people like me to protect everyone else. Being full of fire and focused anger and determination and nails and that fight, fight, fight, trigger instead of the flight is what makes people like me stand up during crazy and impossible situations.  Is it because we have nothing, no family, no lovers, no ties, just that baseline seeing things for what they are that we just don’t give a fuck about our lives?  So we offer it up to people who know will be missed by others?  Do we do it because deep down, we know we’re the ones that must?  Do we do it for the puffing of egos and great bar stories later?  Or do we do it because we’re just plain stupid?

All I know is I will stand where others will not.  The majority of the time I stand alone, though support is “whispered” in my ear because fuck, what would be though of YOU if people knew you stood behind ME?  I’m the difficult one, the vocal one, the combative one, the cold one, the heartless one.

If you only knew the truth.  And maybe that’s the ultimate truth of all of us who are like the we that we are:

We do it because of a greater love.  We put ourselves on the line, because of love.  But we’ll never admit that love because it doesn’t really mesh with the now narrative we have to live up to that other created for us.

So perhaps we do the crazy things because of ultimate love for our fellow man, fellow creature, the earth, the universe and what have you.  But War keeps us busy and drowns out the unbearable silences of peace where we are reminded that our love for the world isn’t returned.

I don’t know how to answer this delemia besides some of us are just made that way.  We’re made to war barbecue other people can’t.  I can only speak for myself but in return, I never have issues sleeping or looking myself in the mirror wondering if I did the right thing that day.  I went to war for somebody or some idea and though I’m tired, often beaten up, I can rest knowing from a moral standpoint, I did the right thing.  I’d like to think that’s what all of us get who are made this way.  We get to sleep at night.

But don’t think it doesn’t come at a cost.  We just don’t get to share that.

 

It takes more than 140 to understand.

I promised that I would write.  I try to be a woman of her word because your word is one of the most important things you can have.   To be honest, I’m at a loss for words at the moment.  Well, not really, I’m just heartbroken.  I have been for a while.  Some days are better than others.  This isn’t one of those days.

I’m not looking for a bunch of “awww….” or “Chin up, Tek.”  I’m just stating how I feel today.  I feel it more on days I want to talk about things that are going on with me that I just know the majority of people wouldn’t understand.  I mean when I say I don’t have friends, that’s a load of bullshit. I know I have people who do care about me marginally- not enough to get off their ass and do something for me if I were in trouble (grin), but interested in my general whereabouts.  What I’m talking about is having people I can TALK to.  You know what I’m talking about- don’t lie.  We have many people that we talk AT.  Yapping AT each other all damn day long.  But very few people who you can connect with and you speak TO and you listen TO.  I find a lot of the conversations I try to have leaving me empty because there is no true synergy there.  Mind you, I do enjoy banal conversations , and conversations about farting that generally go no where and are “ha-ha, whatever”, but I thrive in challenging conversations, deep conversations, hard conversations, scary conversations.  I can count on one hand over my lifetime the amount of times I’ve really sat across from someone and shown them me and felt relaxed, no filters, no editing.   Mostly what I do now is have social conversations with, yes, people that I care about, but I never lay my soul bare.  In some aspects I think perhaps that is why I am coming back to this medium… because its all so pent up.  I felt better back when I just spoke the 1’s and 0’s.  Somewhere in the midst of it all, it got lost, I tried to make connections with “real” people and it was always quite disastrous and yes, heartbreaking.  And as I mentioned yesterday, social norms changed- just like *snaps fingers*, that.  We had a disruptive technology take hold and spread like a virus, mutating just as quickly and that changed everything.

As people asked me for the URL to this site, I was having a few sidebar conversations them and I quote on friend of mine to me:

There is MORE than 144 characters up there

…

You’re right about social media cutting our attention spans, so what you wrote can be considered an article, sadly.

Well yes, I tend to be right about a lot of shit which explains the love/hate relationship people have with me (I have yet to find someone who when my name is mentioned say “Yeah, well I feel tepid about her”.  But then again, mostly people are too dumb to even know what the word “tepid” means…  But I am wandering again as I tend to do.)  My point is that I think this is why there is a problem with people making friends and connections. People don’t have the patience or the time.  Yes, they want life in little 140 character snippets.  Non-committal.  Shallow.  Because it’s easier that way.  But when you think about it, the fact that people keep grasping out anyway, keep looking for more and new shallow little snippets, shows that emptiness.  Trying to fill a void with more and more bits and pieces not realizing that what they need a meal.  So what they think is easier has actually made things harder.  Relationships worth having are never easy.  There is give and take and conflict and resolution and fear and joy and just a whole gamut of the human experience.  Emphasis on the give and take.

Which is why I feel alienated from people- I’m a goddamn buffet. And I run deep, very very deep (if one of my ex dalliances is reading this, you shut up, you shut the fuck up right now.  This isn’t the time for jokes such as that, asshole(s)).  Most people cannot deal with this, these days.

I feel this has just turned into an entry where I am whining and well who the fuck cares, bite me, its my site anyway.  Still, it wasn’t my intention to go down this route and I started out not knowing what to write but wanting to keep my word.  I guess I am saying is that I hurt a little bit today because I have “the deep whatever” that I need to share and well, I can’t.  When I do, I get non-committal answers, “I don’t knows” and “Gee, Tek, change who you are” (which I would NEVER suggest to another person that I claimed to like/be friends with).

I don’t feel like sitting out and staring at the lake today and just thinking. I do that most days. Some days I want to tell you what I am thinking about.  But we see how that goes.  So I sit here, and I stay quiet-ish.

At least I know what the problem is. So many people are lost, like my example above- collecting snippets, trying to find answers in quantity and not in quality.  And I just look on, saying nothing, because people stopped listening.

Hello. This is not Tekwh0re.net

I’ve made promises to write again for years.   I haven’t done it… haven’t been able to do it even when I tried because it wasn’t anything like the Tekwh0re days.  I suddenly felt I had to keep on these filters.  The corporate world caught me.  Life, in a way, caught me. I became more filtered and withdrawn.  I also worried slightly if I could capture an audience like I once did.  There was a time when I had the likes of Warren Ellis and Paul Pope reading me. But I was semi-hot and intelligent back then. Then the Internet just changed- it became all social media, facebooks, tumblr, twitter, snapchats, etc.  And it seemed that even if I wanted to write, the attention span wouldn’t be there because when I write, I write.

I’m older, grayer, colder now but I still get asked about Tekwh0re.net.  More so recently.  I didn’t realize how ahead of the curve I actually was back then.  I should have pushed through and kept going but life has a way of getting in the way.  That being said, I also feel we’ve come full circle.  All the social media has made things more shallow, more fake, more stupid.  And it almost seems that it is time for “old Tek” now, in many ways, to start speaking again.  I feel its time to bring back my free-form, stream of consciousness, conversations thrown out to the digital pipleines and what happens, happens.  Tekwh0re. net is NEVER coming back.  I outgrew her.  In truth, you did too.  But “Tek” is still here.  She never went anywhere and sometimes I wonder if that is both a blessing and a curse.

I’m not going to tell you why you should keep reading this site or what the site is about because I don’t think things always have to be ABOUT something.  I think that’s half the problem these days- everyone is trying to be ABOUT SOMETHING instead of just “BEING”.  And you know, just being is kinda cool.  You don’t always need to justify your fucking existence.  So this site is just going to have whatever I feel like talking about or showing you that day, (and knowing me, multiple times a day once I start to get comfortable again).

I know I’ve said this time and time before but I’m going to make a promise to you this first week back:  I’m still going to be working on the layout of this place, but I will make a point to post something every day this week.  I will ask some understanding- “Stella needs to get her groove back”.  It’s been a long time since I truly opened up, like I once did, so things may seem stilted at first.  But for once I really do feel like writing raw again.  I feel like having a conversation.  I feel like TELLING YOU.  So if you’ve got some time talk, I now have beer fridge, a wine fridge, AND a cupboard full of teas.  Pick your poison, and let’s talk.