Category: Uncategorized

Maybe that’s the lesson… or at least one of them. You can’t save everyone or everything. No one can and if they say they can-

They’re lying.

I think maybe that’s what I was trying to do even though I said I wasn’t. Or maybe, closer to truth, I used to try to save everyone, everything, then I said I stopped but I still was trying to. Like I tried the save my dad from going to the morgue. Like I tried to save the things in my parent apartment from being thrown out. Like I tried to save the sick plants that my parents left.

I can’t save everyone/everything. I have to choose..

Every day is a revelation to my psyche and emotions. I’m still sad and raw and angry and disappointed. I’ve move on from my parents a little bit. There I’m just really sad because I’ll never get a birthday gift or card again. Which brings me to point two:

Only three people reached out to me since everything happened, happened. Now there were people I was expecting to who didn’t. Again, I really don’t have any close friends. What is really hurtful though is that its so clear to me that I am more people’s friends than they are mine and people I really want to be friends with don’t like me like I do. They just want to be aquantences and that’s honestly their right. It’s hurtful to know that the vast majority of people really don’t care for me but I can’t make them care. If the only time they’re paying attention to me is because they think I will be a repeat customer of theirs or they might get to see my vagina (this doesn’t happen anymore but it used to), then they’re not a friend. I know this. I knew this. I just didn’t realise how many people there were in my life like that however.

I’ve always been trying to be part of community. I wanted to be part of the BJJ community, I thought I was. I was an outsider there. People didn’t really like me or respect me there. They liked that I would help them all the time but they didn’t like me. Same thing for scuba diving. I kept trying to find friends and thought I had some but the people I thought were my friends aren’t. They’ve only been around because they think they can make more money off me or because they felt sorry for me. That really sucks because I love BJJ and I love diving- both are things that require other people. Both have been miserable when other people are involved. I’m doing my best to figure out how to do that thing that you’re not supposed to do which is dive alone. I do it in the quarry here but that place sucks ass. I want to go cave diving alone (don’t start with me about this, really). If I don’t come back, nobody cares and I don’t care. It’s a horrible death to be sure, but nobody is going to be harmed by my death but me so let me do it. Don’t save me. I don’t want to be saved. This life isn’t worth prolonging.

I don’t want to get sick and die. I don’t want to have pain or fear as I die. But I don’t mind dying. I’m not trying to prolong my life. If I get cancer, give me the morphine and maybe I’ll Thelma and Louise it but it will just be me. I want to enjoy myself on my way out but I don’t want to prolong this life because this life has been shit.

Now, mind you- I’ve done some really incredible things, really fucking incredible (nobody cares). I’ve seen some cool things, really fucking cool but the “good” part of my life- not sure when that was. I had good moments, but did I have a good life? I guess that relative. I never felt loved, secure or cared for. I never had a person who was ride or die for me or went to war for me. I’ve always been an outsider or alone. I’ve NEVER been accepted for who and what I was but was always expected to conform.

Let me tell you something, being a strong willed, intelligent, resourceful woman who wasn’t drop dead gorgeous and never was good with money sucks. And no, me not being good with money wasn’t 100% my fault, not by a long shot. I wasn’t taught well at all in that department and when I finally learned, it was far, far too late. Still, having financial security wouldn’t have made my life happier- besides maybe buying friends for longer and pretending that I mattered to some people.

I don’t matter to anyone. And I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and crying and yadda, yadda, yadda. It really is what it is. Suck it up buttercup. We heard this story before. Let’s listen to another one.

So here it is:

I 100% have divorced myself from Social Media… I mean I do read some things that I find interesting or inspirational but people I’ve given up on. That’s not to say that I won’t return to social media but it’s going to be just to make money from people. It’s going to be a one way street. Matter of fact, maybe that’s what I should do… hire a social media manager.

That would require income first and that’s my second biggest issue behind “my wittel feelings”.

I had a screening interview on Friday for a job that I really wanted that didn’t go well. I doubt I will move to the next round. I’m bummed for so many reasons:

• I really wanted the job
• I am on food stamps now
• I have ZERO income
• I don’t know how I am going to pay rent or my car payment.

I want to get upset but maybe I’ve finally “crossed over”. My stress level is bad but I dunno, I don’t feel like hiding in my bed and going “Oh woe is me”. There are a few things I DO know, as I said, over the last year, I found out who my real friends are… I have more than I thought but some who I thought were my friends are not. I do think about this Mike Tyson quote from time to time which is interesting. I feel bad for liking him in his old age.

Anyway… It’s almost a year that my mom has been dead (Sept 16th- buried Sept 22nd). I’m much better than I was however I still get random moments where I just cry. This morning was one of them.

Because I am on food stamps, I really have to be careful what I spend it on. I do have food that I put away during the pandemic.. some of it past it’s ‘best by” date, but I don’t think it will kill me. I am trying my hand at making sandwich bread from scratch today as the breadmaker is good, but I still am not getting that texture that I want. I have time (duh) so I decided to take a stab at it today. As I said, I was really good about putting some food away during the pandemic/start of the Ukrane war because I knew food prices were going to go up. I stocked up flour. I was out of bread flour in my pantry but I knew I has some in my deep freezer. I go to get it and burst into tears. My mother when she was at my house when I was out of town had taken my bread flour and vacuum sealed it. I didn’t do that.. I have black bags for that and I never got around to do it. She had clear ones. I didn’t want to open up the bread flour but I needed it so I did and that just started the waterworks this morning. She loved me so much. So much. I took that for granted and I am so sorry for that.

I have drinks that she bought me that I didn’t want in my fridge still. I can’t bear to throw them out.

***

Addendum… I never posted this… The day I was going to do this, I found my father’s body and my world, which was already upside down was now inside out.

More later, I suppose… and I thought I was going to get the food stamps but now I’ve heard nothing about it.

People really just don’t give a fuck about you if you aren’t attractive, rich, powerful, or cool.

I don’t feel like “Tek”, “MsTek”, or “Tekwh0re” anymore.

I feel like “The Empress of Ashes” really fits me now. I swear I am not trying to be all emo or goth.

But I do feel that now I rule over ashes, ashes, ashes… ashes of my dreams, ashes of what could of have been and ashes of what was.

Ashes… Just ashes is all I see and all I stand upon.

A ruler over everything that was burned to do the ground be it by my hand or others.

Ashes.

I think here is where I finally died.