Today is going to be rough

I thought that today was going to be okay. I have to do the last wish of my father today which is to plant the tulips on my mother’s grave. I couldn’t do it when I wanted to do it because I had hand surgery. Technically, I am still not supposed to do it but its starting to get too late to plant so I have to do it today before the ground gets way too hard. I thought I was going to be somewhat indifferent but now I am bawling. I need to bring my dads ashes with me just so he knows I did it. I was going to put a little in the ground but I don’t have a urn… he’s just in a baggie and if I open it, it will make a mess and I have nothing to dump it in. It’s bad enough that the bags are sitting in a plastic storage box.

For fuck sake. I need some fucking help. I NEED SOME HELP.

I’m so lonely.