Going through some things…

Deep, catastrophic (are they really?) things. Pretty soon, I will be able to let lose all the secrets. It’s comforting but I would far rather need to keep them I see now.

Time is short, cruel, and inevitable.

I’m sitting here and I’m wondering if I am damned or if I have been blessed. Is it possible to be both at the same time? It is so fucking complicated… I just feel despair, loss, yes grief and I want to drown in my sorrow, my anger, and apathy. But I also know that’s not what my mother would want for me. And deep down the me that was would fight to the end wouldn’t want that either. I think the hardest thing to discern for me at the moment is “what do I want?” It’s so much easier to say what I don’t want.

I do know the first thing, the most important thing that I really want, no need right now is a shelter, a silence, a pause from everything I don’t want, don’t like, don’t need. I need quiet in my soul, quiet in my mind, quiet in my career. I want that quiet but know that it’s a fine line between quiet and spiraling down deep into a place that is getting increasingly harder to leave. But I feel like in order to find joy and hope again, I need to fully shut down. I can produce, I can put my soul out there but it has to be on my terms. I am truly alone now. I couldn’t talk to my family due to the fact that my father is an alcoholic con man who would rub Trump’s nuts if he asked him to. My mother was going from crazy religion to next… and she had lost some logic years ago when she had a fall. But these stories are coming… they just about can be told, but not quite yet.

I am a sad, sad, woman and I hate that. And I feel like I just can’t catch a break.

Who will give me a hug now? My father will not. He’s too “stoic” (that’s what he calls being dysfunctional- stoic) to do so. I’m stoic too, but in the real sense- stoic doesn’t mean that you don’t demonstrate emotion or compassion. People get this shit so twisted.

The nurse at the hospice said that she was fangirling me because she’s never seen anyone handle this whole thing with the strength and grace that I have. The fact I have to manage the death of my mother and the utter breakdown of my father, all the time having no one to catch me.

No one to catch me. My mom tried to catch me… at least she tried.

And so I keep falling… and I wonder if maybe I just plain have given up on saving myself. I don’t know if I am tired of trying or just giving up.

In moments, I look at the sky while laying in my bed and I think of nothing besides I need to go. I think I need to wander Asia again for a bit. I think I want to spend a winter in a remote cabin in Alaska. I just want to be alone- but I am already alone. It’s a different kind of loneliness when you are traveling. But I just feel like my soul has been dying for years and I know what it needs to heal and I just can’t get there.

Anyway, I’m going through some things. Maybe life is just a series of going through some things. I’ll let you know if I ever get through all the things.

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