Being treated badly.

A few years ago, I made the decision to stop posting about work on social media… mostly because work was kinda okay and I didn’t feel the need to vent.

Today, that changes…

I am being treated pretty badly at my current job. Pretty sure my current manager is trying to make me quit. I mean she’s treating me like “mean girls”. I should laugh because it’s so obvious what is going on and why but unfortunately because I am a contractor, I have nobody to go to- no HR and my contracting company won’t help me because they care more about keeping the account. So instead I am being uninvited to meetings, being told I can’t speak to my co-workers, and am being shunned at work. Mind you- I’ve been there for 1.5 years and the team I have been working with likes me but they aren’t my direct management so if they like me or not, they can’t help me.

It’s getting really hard for me, especially since my mother died and I have nobody anymore. Which is probably why this woman (my boss) is twisting the screws. I just want to do my job like I used to but because she wants me gone so badly, she’d done everything she can to try to get me to quit since she cannot get me for cause- my work is always on time, always good, and I’m always available if you need me. She keeps taking my meetings away from me, has other people doing my job and is doing everything she can to keep me out of the loop on my own projects so that I look like I am doing nothing and know nothing. Its heartbreaking to be honest that someone can be so fucking petty.

I hate petty.

In the meantime, I’m trying very hard to get my company out there again and try to get some sort of contracts and work. I don’t know why this time will be any different than the last 100 times. But what can I do? I want to be treated fairly and paid my worth. That seems impossible unless you own the company.

So yeah, I am trying to put several irons in the fire right now to try to get me some income since I think either this month or next month, she’ll finally get her way and I’ll be out of a job.

“But Tek, why aren’t you looking for another job now?”

Two reasons:

One: Just at the end of the year, there won’t be any hiring really until December… it should pick up in January however. I’m starting to talk to headhunters and will actually have lunch with one next week (which is going to be hard for me as I’m still grieving and just don’t want to be bothered with anyone, frankly). I’m trying to start building those relationships again even though I hate this shit but it’s how the world works.

Two: I’m still going to Antarctica. I don’t want to do that either because it just doesn’t seem interesting to me anymore. I even less want to be on a boat with a bunch of people I don’t know with no personal space at the end of the earth for two weeks. But I paid so much for it and I know my mom would be angry with me if I don’t go just because she’s dead now and I’m feeling so lonely.

God, I miss my mom so much. She was the only person who was truly on my side, in my corner. She couldn’t help me but she loved me more than anything. Everyone else in this world abandoned me because I just I suck that much.

I miss my mom.

I miss my mom.

Things are so hard right now and having this (rhyme with “punt”) doing everything she can to make my life hell right now doesn’t help. I’m really worried about how I am going to support myself if I lose my job. This world keeps getting worse and worse, and I have no tribe, no people so if I don’t have enough to support myself, I will be fucked. I keep forgetting that I will have a (very) small settlement coming to me from the accident I believe but that won’t be until March at the soonest. Probably will be no more than a 3K if that.

So yeah. I am excited about some work I am doing for my friend’s real estate business to get him more organized and hopefully close more deals but I’m not getting paid for that (yet- if he takes off then I will get a kickback. Fuck I hope he takes off- it would alleviate some of my stress to know that I had at least a grand coming to me every month for minimal effort because I configured a CRM and added in automation). I have a few other ideas as well, but just need to get the energy/time/money to move on them. I would really LOVE to walk out of 2023 having pulled in 250K somehow after coming from behind and with nothing.

Pipe dreams.

Pipe dreams.

But I have to try because I have nobody to take care me…

God, I would kill for a real hug from someone who actually cares about me.

Pipe dreams.

Pipe dreams.

Mama, I miss you so much. If you are a ghost, please go haunt that… “punt”.

( I know you hated me cursing).

What is the common denominator? You (and me with this post).

Long time no talk. Let’s address that, then address this as they might be marginally related.

Firstly, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. A lot of you let me down when my mother died. I found out who my friends really are (don’t have any, really). I just don’t see the point in talking to anyone anymore so I literally speak to nobody. I go to the store, I do my stuff, and I have the small talk I am required to do when I leave the house or at work, but other than that, I speak to nobody. I don’t see the point in it anymore- everyone is fake and phony or just into their own thing. So I just quit the pretenses. I stay in my head and in my world and I just don’t get disappointed anymore. I noted the 4 (f-o-u-r) people who reached out to me and noticed I am gone. Thank you. The rest of you– I don’t care about you anymore either. At least now we’re honest with each other and I have finally moved on to a place where other people just don’t matter. I learned from the best, you.

Now, on to the assholes that I have posted a photo of above. Let me do this by not giving them the acknowledgment to type their names out because this here, this… giving them the attention that they never deserved, gave them the platform that they never deserved because they are idiots.* (I’ll expand on the first guy in a moment… I have a little more to say about him- he’s not really an idiot but him getting attention when he most clearly has had a mental decline is still your fault.)

These people are not smart except when it comes to playing the system- which I suppose is a type of smart but not one that I at least hold any type of value in. Trying to get an advantage by lying and fucking others over has never been high on my list of respect. Two of them used state and government funds to enrich themselves and that’s cool- that’s available to anyone who wants to spend the time to comb how grant and government funding works, but the things they claim to have done, they have done from the brain power and ideas of other, using taxpayer’s money. For this, they had doors open up for them to actually be listened to and then they decided to spout the wackiest nonsense and you ate it up. Because you ate it up, the media decided to open up more platforms and by opening up those platforms, those amongst us that were gifted with only half of a shit-fly’s brain cell ate up the absolute deluge of bilge that came out of these guys’ mouthes which gave them traction and here we are. Back in the day, people like this mostly were ignored. Sure, a few got through and on the front pages but most were just laughed at and ignored and never had the chance to reach national or international platforms. What is worse is that this seems to be exacerbated and compounded as time goes on and more and more dumbfucks are getting into everyone’s feed and worse, having the ability to affect people’s day to day.

Now the last guy on the photo I am fairly certain is the biggest troll in the world right now for his own whatever… And must be nice to have that kind of money.
Twitter was already a cesspool- no doubt it’s going to only increase its rapid travel down the drain to the likes that the utter shit-show LinkedIn has become will be downright jealous of. But this won’t happen fast enough because you have all gotten too lazy to read or to ban/ignore. If it can’t be done in 140 characters or a TikTok dance, then your brains cannot handle it. I get it- we’re all busy, and we are insisting that we only have bite-sized snippets of time to digest anything but this really a limitation that we have imposed on ourselves because of social media and human nature to want to consume and to consume as much as it can. But because of this, we’ve also let these rat turds have a line into places they shouldn’t be, speaking about things they shouldn’t be, to people that they shouldn’t be. It’s easy to get a platform just because you’re an asshole these days.

This leads me to the first guy- I don’t think he was an idiot. I think that he did some legit art and at one time did some things for rap that just weren’t happening before he came out (don’t hate on me- I am a music historian of some sort but I do admit that I can tell you more about music history up until rock starts to diverge and then I can go down only some paths- more on the punk and alternative side… though I don’t even think there is such thing as alternative anymore; that is another topic for another time). I don’t think he is an idiot, I think he is severely mentally ill and may have always been and has been in a severe decline over the last 10 years. This doesn’t take away the damage of what he has been saying, but more so, makes it worse because you kept giving the platform because isn’t it great watercooler fodder on Monday to talk about what the stupid sneakers Rapper said THIS week, and “oh my pearls do you ever think that somebody will do something?

You should have done something the moment he started talking about his ex-wife wanting to abort his child on a campaign stop for his stupid ass presidential run. You should have done something with the crazy messages to his ex-wife and lover over the past summer. You should have done something years and years ago, but now, NOW it’s too far.

Give me a fucking break.

YOU gave them these platforms and then YOU complain when it’s not fun or funny anymore.

Frankly, you’re as complicit in this because you refuse to use your brains for critical thinking skills because it can be hard and uncomfortable, and would rather ingest a 20-second sound byte of cows farting in the wind because well, that’s easier on you than actually feeling.

Stop licking the taint of people who are beneath you and the world would become a much better place.

This finally takes me here, back to me:

I will not be making tweets on Twitter again. I don’t care. When I decide to write on my blogs, it will shoot off a link there but I’m not reading your tweets or replying to anything there. My APIs post to Twitter but I logged off a long time ago and I won’t be back unless things change and then maybe not even then.

I’ll post to Instagram again maybe, eventually. You can follow that. I’ll post to YouTube again, maybe, eventually. You can follow my various channels there.

If you care and you want to know what is up, you can always follow this website and the sister website which is Might Be Tasty which I promise to keep the vitriol off of and devote to travel and gaming, and less controversial topics. I’ll keep my rants and tears here because it’s more appropriate here. I’ll also be working on my various businesses because yo, I am about to lose my job on top of my mother and everything else that has gone wrong in 2022.

I don’t know what I am going to do about everything else moving forward. I do know this shit isn’t working, hasn’t been working for a long time. I know what did work so I am going back to that. I also know that I am going to push my comfort levels more over the next year. I already just book a fucking cruise on Virgin next year for Christmas just to not have another Christmas sitting home alone. Instead, I can catch listeria on a cruise ship in my solo room. Not gonna lie- part of the reason why I am doing this is that I am SO OPPOSED to cruises but this one doesn’t allow kids at all which is awesome and I have a solo room with a window and maybe it’s just 5 days of reading and playing video games in my room, which I could do at home as well, but I have always found a change of scenery soothes my soul and ramps up my creative juices. I hate crowds and “fun” but again, I wouldn’t have ever gone to Thailand and fallen in love with it if I didn’t just do something on a whim.

I know that I am working up to writing again. I’ve said it for years and honestly, I actually have been writing again. I write long ass emails to my dead mother which some people probably would find disturbing but I literally have nobody to talk to so I talk to my dead mother. There are worse things I could do.

Basically, if you’re curious, I’ve just told you where you can find me. Or don’t. I finally am beyond caring. You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites and just stays away from you.

Yes, I am that dog.

Going through some things…

Deep, catastrophic (are they really?) things. Pretty soon, I will be able to let lose all the secrets. It’s comforting but I would far rather need to keep them I see now.

Time is short, cruel, and inevitable.

I’m sitting here and I’m wondering if I am damned or if I have been blessed. Is it possible to be both at the same time? It is so fucking complicated… I just feel despair, loss, yes grief and I want to drown in my sorrow, my anger, and apathy. But I also know that’s not what my mother would want for me. And deep down the me that was would fight to the end wouldn’t want that either. I think the hardest thing to discern for me at the moment is “what do I want?” It’s so much easier to say what I don’t want.

I do know the first thing, the most important thing that I really want, no need right now is a shelter, a silence, a pause from everything I don’t want, don’t like, don’t need. I need quiet in my soul, quiet in my mind, quiet in my career. I want that quiet but know that it’s a fine line between quiet and spiraling down deep into a place that is getting increasingly harder to leave. But I feel like in order to find joy and hope again, I need to fully shut down. I can produce, I can put my soul out there but it has to be on my terms. I am truly alone now. I couldn’t talk to my family due to the fact that my father is an alcoholic con man who would rub Trump’s nuts if he asked him to. My mother was going from crazy religion to next… and she had lost some logic years ago when she had a fall. But these stories are coming… they just about can be told, but not quite yet.

I am a sad, sad, woman and I hate that. And I feel like I just can’t catch a break.

Who will give me a hug now? My father will not. He’s too “stoic” (that’s what he calls being dysfunctional- stoic) to do so. I’m stoic too, but in the real sense- stoic doesn’t mean that you don’t demonstrate emotion or compassion. People get this shit so twisted.

The nurse at the hospice said that she was fangirling me because she’s never seen anyone handle this whole thing with the strength and grace that I have. The fact I have to manage the death of my mother and the utter breakdown of my father, all the time having no one to catch me.

No one to catch me. My mom tried to catch me… at least she tried.

And so I keep falling… and I wonder if maybe I just plain have given up on saving myself. I don’t know if I am tired of trying or just giving up.

In moments, I look at the sky while laying in my bed and I think of nothing besides I need to go. I think I need to wander Asia again for a bit. I think I want to spend a winter in a remote cabin in Alaska. I just want to be alone- but I am already alone. It’s a different kind of loneliness when you are traveling. But I just feel like my soul has been dying for years and I know what it needs to heal and I just can’t get there.

Anyway, I’m going through some things. Maybe life is just a series of going through some things. I’ll let you know if I ever get through all the things.

It’s not all my fault- it’s not even mostly my fault.

I am not 100% sure when it happened however I started to blame myself for everything. I figured since I was the common denominator, then everything stems from me. Now that may be true for most things, but that doesn’t make it true for everything. This is a bad path I have in my head now and I figure that if shit isn’t working out then it must be me. I think mostly because I don’t like people who don’t take responsibility for their own mistakes. However, I do take responsibility for my mistakes… I take way too much responsibility for everything. This has has the result of massively doing my head in due to all of the bad things going on around me:

And let me tell you- it’s bad, really, really, bad, no exaggeration. I’m just not letting “you” in on all of it. It’s one of those things that is bigger than I am and I don’t know how to solve it unless I get a massive influx of cash. The way to do it these days quickly seems to have something happen to you and you go viral but I sure as hell can tell you that hard work and perseverance does not work for most of us. I used to be in that camp that believed that… “Bootstraps!” “Hard work!” and all that crap. But that still doesn’t mean that you will “make it”. We’re sold a story that just isn’t true as children. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try or work hard or have goals- not at all. It’s just that it really does take a combo of hard work, knowing the right people, and the right people bringing you in. It just is how it is.

My head is never in a good place these days because I cannot get a reprieve or release from the major problem that dogs me. I don’t sleep well. I don’t eat well. My brain is constantly, even at a subconscious level, trying to figure out a way out of my cage, my trap, my misery, my hell. Even when I say I quit, I don’t quit.

Which kind of brings me to another point for a moment:

Changing goals isn’t quitting. Knowing that you need to take a break isn’t quitting. I have said for the past 3-4 years that I need a full year off. If I could get a full year off from all the issues that surround me, be in a place where I could be 100% me, have the chance to heal mentally and physically, I know I could possibly get a second win and figure a way out of my issue. But I just can’t get it and now it looks like it never will happen. I’m pretty sure I am going to stroke out due to stress soon- truthfully, so long as it takes me out 100% and I am dead, it really would be blessed relief because living like this is hell, hell, hell… I don’t know how much more I can take, to be honest.

But this isn’t my fault… and maybe that helps a little bit. I just need to start really believing that instead of giving myself lip service.

If only in my life I had people who cared about me in the way that I cared for others, perhaps I wouldn’t have ended up here. I am a huge disappointment to myself and to others and that’s hard to live with.